Dating Dilemma

[MattDroz]

Here's the problem. After moving out here to Viking country, I started dating again. Now, I'm sorta seeing this girl. She's cute, funny and likes me loads. The problem is, I'm not that into her. I've given her my background and how I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, so I should be fine with just seeing her.

Is it wrong of me just to keep seeing her when I'm not certain about a future with her? Or should I just keep going with her until I'm certain either way?

And, being the Serious forum, I'm hoping for serious answers.

[Pickle]

One of the greatest pieces of advice I'd ever received was from a drunk friend of mine:

Things only get awkward when there are mismatched expectations.

Do you feel there are mismatched expectations?

You said she knows your background and that you're not looking, but does she understand what that means? Remember to look at the discussions through gender-interpretation-filters.

Just because you're not sure if you're into her or not doesn't seem like grounds to claim this a 'shit or get off the pot' situation. Sometimes things need to brew or develop, especially given what you've been through.

If she fully understands that you're not wanting to make a full term commitment right now (it may help to clearly define that: monogamous or no? "boyfriend" or "guy I date sometimes"), then I don't see what's wrong with it. If both sides understand the score, then no one is leading anyone else on.

/2-cents

[amy]

I agree with everything Pickle says. I'd also tread very carefully in such a situation. In my experience, people tend to think they possess such awesomeness that you will change your mind as to what you want out of the relationship. She may say she understands your position on not wanting to get serious, but she may really be wondering how long it will take for you to change your mind.

[MattDroz]

Thank you ladies!

And I'm thinking that it may just be like Amy says. In that she's just wondering how long until I change my mind. I guess that's what's got me feeling all prickly about the situation. I'm not sure if brewing on it will improve my feelings and I don't want her to wait around while I'm fumbling blind.

[Pickle]

Amy speaks words of wisdom!

Sounds like your intuition knows what's up Matt, if she's expecting something totally different and you're fairly certain of the potential outcome, then perhaps it is indeed time to pull the plug. Doesn't sound like she's into just dating for fun.

And by the way, this kind of pondering and resulting course of action earns you a mark in the 'good guy' category in my book. It may smart right now, but when she realizes that you saved her an even greater amount of wondering, hurt, and time, I think she'll realize it too.

[MattDroz]

Thanks for the check mark in the "good guy" column.

Of course, there's that annoying little devil on my shoulder telling me all kinds of stuff... Good thing my little angel carries a big fuckin' stick and whacks the hell out of him whenever he gets like this.

We had a date last night, and we wound up back at my place making out for a few (*cough*) hours. I did get a little nervous when she invited me over for Easter, since she's currently living with her folks, so it definitely means meeting the family. But I don't want to break it off with her yet. I like being off the market for a little bit and having someone to hang out with here... UGH, did that sound as bad as I think it did?

[Mike]

You should be discussing this out loud with her. There is no shame or insult in that.

[MattDroz]

Thanks, Mike. After the input I got here and from other friends, I did just that.

She understands how I feel and we will continue to date, but not anything more than that. Maybe, after a while, I might feel differently and we've agreed to talk about it if that comes up. But, for now, we seem to be in a good place.

[MattDroz]

And, I've decided to end it.

I am not feeling anything emotional towards her and that just sucks for her. Because she's wanting me to meet friends and family "to prove you exist".

To paraphrase Sarah from the United thread, there's nothing worse than being on a date and thinking 'meh' about the person you're with.

It also doesn't hurt that, out of the blue and with no effort on my part, someone else has come along and who I'm DEFINITELY not feeling 'meh' with...

[Pickle]

I think this is a wise decision Sir. If she's wanting to show you off to people, it would seem to me that no, she didn't really understand the "dating for fun and see where it goes" concept.

[MattDroz]

Once again, I find myself looking for some advice from outside the box (the box being, of course, my family and lifelong friends).

Here I am, dating a nice girl. A girl that adores me and that I think won't ever do anything to hurt me. We've actually been seeing each other for over a month now, and she's in love (I know because she's told me...)

The bad thing is, the reason I'm feeling like a f'ing asshole, is because I just can't seem to say the same. There's a part of me that's still pining for the girl that broke my heart at Christmas. I can't explain why (maybe too many John Hughes movies), but I feel like she's going to see the mistake she's made and start looking around her life and wondering where I went. The whole situation is just messing my head up, because most of the people that know her think she's made a huge mistake, but she's still making it.

I know I could settle with this girl I'm seeing, just keep seeing her until she gets sick of my total non-commitment, or until I actually DO feel the same towards her, but I don't know if I want to. And yes, I've told her about my ex, my feelings towards her, and everything. And she's still willing to see me.

UGH, I hate that I'm so lost that I gotta ask for opinions, but the responses I'm getting from everyone else just sound like broken records at this point.

[Mike]

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received:

If it doesn't feel completely and totally right, why are you even considering it?

[Stevo]

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received:

If it doesn't feel completely and totally right, why are you even considering it?

Because you've got some time to kill and you don't know when the next time anything like that is gonna happen.

-Stevo

[MattDroz]

Okay, right now I got you two imagined as the Angel/Devil on my shoulders... Which is quite funny when you picture Mike with a halo and Stevo dressed like Jon Lovitz.

[Stevo]

I am often dressed like Jon Lovitz.

ACTING!


-Stevo

[MattDroz]

And, to answer Mike's post. No, it doesn't feel completely and totally right. I had felt completely and totally right with my ex-gf last year, and she slept with another guy (who's something of a sexual predator) and is in the process of making the biggest mistake of her life.

I swear, I feel like I'm in some deranged romantic comedy, but no one's laughing...

[Stevo]

Don't make other people's dicisions into your own. You don't know what's going through her mind, so stop thinking that she made a mistake. Do your own time, nobody else's.
Calling somebody a sexual predator isn't going to help anybody, and can only serve to damage your credibility as well as set you up for slander/libel.

[MattDroz]

Thanks, Stevo. I'm trying to let go of the entire situation and it does help.

Oh, and I'm not the one calling him a sexual predator. The other women he tried to date did that...